Changing Times

Things have been changing. A lot actually. My job is progressing, I’m prepping my house for sale… and oh, yeah… I got engaged!

This is crazy to me but I’m so excited. I took her to Chattanooga and took her on a train to the top of a mountain. We climbed to the very top of an observation tower and as we looked out upon the world, I found I had trouble looking away from her. I dropped to one knee then and there and asked her to be my wife. Glad to tell ya, she said yes. And then cried happily for the next four hours. It was one of the best days of my life.

But it’s sort of strange. For years I convinced myself that this day would never come. I told myself I didn’t want to be married… that I flat out refused to get married. I said, I didn’t want kids, that I was happier alone. I said this as a way to reject the world before it had a chance to reject me. I didn’t believe it was possible for me to be loved. So… If I could just convince myself that I didn’t want any of this stuff, then it wouldn’t hurt when it couldn’t be found.

Jennifer has taught me that I am loveable. A lot of people have tried to do that but she is the one that succeeded. It took 40 years to learn that lesson and it is still difficult. I still have moments where I think I only deserve pain and that happiness is only put in front of me to be stollen. I do a lot of mental gymnastics to convince myself that I am unworthy.

Change can be hard, change can be scary but once you understand that it happens no matter what you do, change is still gonna happen. It’s a constant. Be open to it and it may just shock you to see good things come from it. I’m rambling a bit here… I know. But this feels like such a magnificent moment for me (which it is) and I just want to stress for everyone that I didn’t think this was possible. It’s not just about love or marriage or jobs… it’s about life and everything! Anything is possible! Just don’t give up… keep going and know that despite your best efforts, you will see change.

I am scared of the future and I’m excited for the future. Two opposing things that are very true. I am overwhelmed with life and absolutely in love with life. I wish I could talk to that younger version of me and tell him… it’s okay to want things, nothing is impossible. One day you will find a woman that loves you as much as you love her… and buddy, you deserve that!

And here I stand; a beautiful and caring woman beside me holding my hand. In my mind, we will always be on top of that mountain embracing and standing above the world together as one.

Thank you for choosing me, Jen.

And dear reader, thank you for the sappy break in the otherwise dark and horror filled substack of mine. We will be back to our normal tales next week!